


Possibility

by vyroj



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Mortis (Star Wars), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 10:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13233378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vyroj/pseuds/vyroj
Summary: As the ship cycled into night, she found herself huddled in a vent, hiding from a masked figure prowling through her bloodied and blasted quarters, and she wondered what exactly things had come to.Ahsoka's life had always been one haunted by possibilities.





	Possibility

Ahsoka's life had always been one guarded by possibilities.

The possibility of death was the greatest. The possibility that if her fingers slipped off that thin edge of metal, she would be a splatter against the ground. The possibility that if she was too slow, if the edge of her saber didn't quite make it to that bolt, she would end a husk of bloody flesh. The possibility that if her grasp of the Force gave way, if she didn't pull that droid down fast enough, a planet could die to a death tinged by her mistakes.

Other possibilities were subtler, but often equally devastating. The possibility that if she hadn't headed to the light so many years ago, that if she ignored the urge of fate, she would still be a nobody, an unremarkable and unloved togruta on a planet of togrutas. The possibility that if she wasn't enough, if her try was too little, she would be left behind anyways, cast away at a time where mercy was in ration. The possibility that if she broke, if, force forbid, constant battle and stress and death were too much for her, then that squadron or base or friend could be lost and it was be her fault.

Ahsoka's life had always been one guarded by possibilities, and she saw their darkness and did her best to avoid them, to keep her eyes on the path forward. But at some point, she lost sight of the path.

It was after Mortis that the dam broke, and at first she didn't notice, too caught up in Sons and Daughters and Fathers to give a kriff. It wasn't until it was all over and Rex's smooth, safe voice was questioning them that she noticed, watching Master Kenobi's cold body slip slowly down his seat.

She couldn't move. _Sithspit_ , there was so much blood, she couldn't _move_. His eyes were still open, sky blue iris staring despairingly at the ceiling, but Ahsoka knew there wasn't any life in them. He was already dead, had died hours ago when Anakin kicked his speeder away and ran a saber through his heart.

"Ahsoka? You okay?" Anakin asked her.

Ahsoka stared at him. Was she _okay_?

"Ahsoka?" A calm, smooth voice questioned, and she blinked. Master Kenobi had twisted back to look at her, not a hint of red in sight, his brows furrowed worriedly.

"Ah, yes Master. I'm fine," Ahsoka hurried to reassure them, and forgot about the incident.

Hours later, Skyguy elbowed her playfully in the mess hall, and she looked and saw gold. Her lungs seized.

"Ahsoka?"

"Ah, it's nothing. I'm just tired, sorry Master."

As the ship cycled into night, she found herself huddled in a vent, hiding from a masked figure prowling through her bloodied and blasted quarters, and she wondered what exactly things had come to.

Ahsoka's life had always been one haunted by possibilities.

 

XxX

 

Ahsoka hadn't gone on the Citadel mission.

She had listened to her Master, listened when Skyguy told her it was too dangerous. She had been so compliant, so foolish.

And now they were all dead, and the Nexus route was compromised, and it was all her fault.

She took it out on a punching bag, of all things, stolen from the training room storage and hauled into her bunk. She was too wired and needed an outlet, but the training simulations had cameras. This was more private, letting her scream and punch out the anger and guilt in a soundproof room. The bag broke before she had a chance to finish, and she watched the beads spill out over the floor. She was breathing too fast and cold sweat was laced down her back. Suddenly feeling too warm, she turned the thermostat all the way down and then stumbled into the hall to gasp air that wasn't laden with guilt. Her fists itched, and she eyed the steel walls longingly.

She laughed. What was there to long for? Nobody was there to stop her, so she slammed her fists against the wall repeatedly until her skin split and her knuckles broke, and then collapsed into a graceless heap on the floor, and laughed hysterically again.

"I'm sorry Master. I failed you," she mumbled.

"What?"

The metal floor was leather. Skyguy's fingers tapped worriedly on her shoulder. Across the briefing table, Rex and Kenobi muttered over a display console.

She blinked sleepily up at her Master. "Don't worry about it."

Skyguy frowned. "You did good today, Snips."

She held back a grin. "Oh, I know."

When she got back to her room later that day, it was frigid.


End file.
